A Partner in Life is a Partner in Pursuing Purpose

 [00:00:00] What matters is that the more committed you want a relationship to be,

[00:00:03] for instance aiming to be married one day,

[00:00:06] the more it would behoove you to understand yourself and your own purpose and find a partner that is completely aligned with that.

[00:00:14] Your odds of the relationship reaching that lofty ideal are far greater.

[00:00:20] ladies and gents, my name is Brandon Stover. Welcome to the on life podcast.

[00:00:24] You have a significantly longer essay today.

[00:00:26] About 1300 words rather than the four to 500 that I've been creating earlier.

[00:00:32] The reason being this one is much more thought out, especially from experience.

[00:00:36] So if you're a returning listener, thank you for joining us again. And if you're new, I'm going to read out this essay in one full length read through. And then at the end, I will. Read through it again and narrate it. However, this essay is much longer, so I just may add some commentary at the end of this essay.

[00:00:54] Let me know if that is more enjoyable for you, for me to just do a read through and then do the commentary, or if it's more enjoyable to have a read through and then another read through with commentary mixed in. Open to either.

[00:01:07] Let's go ahead and dive into today's essay.

[00:01:21] A partner in life is a partner in pursuing purpose.

[00:01:25] The reason one would enter into a relationship is that the two of you can create something more than either of you could accomplish on your own. From a biological standpoint, that something is a child. From a romantic standpoint, that something may be a lifetime of fulfillment.

[00:01:41] The longer you plan on entering into a relationship with this other person, and the more invested you wish to be, the higher the importance should be paid to having both of your purposes aligned. For a deep dive into what purpose is, I recommend taking my How to Find Your Purpose course at Plato University.

[00:01:58] As a primer, purpose is a direction of action that is meaningful to you and consequential to society. What is meaningful to you will be based on your values, your personality, and your path for self development. what is consequential to society will be solutions to problems and needs of the collective.

[00:02:17] Pursuing purpose requires your full commitment to these two pieces, including use of your resources. So if you plan on spending your life with another person, you should share nearly identical pursuits and purpose. Otherwise, you will battle each other on direction in life and allocation of resources.

[00:02:35] Whether practicing monogamy or non monogamy, let's observe each stage of a relationship. In doing so, we can discern whether someone is right to move to the next stage based on purpose alignment, investing more time, energy, and resources into that person.

[00:02:50] Now a brief note about this essay, it comes with an image that outlines the stages of a relationship. That image can be viewed at BrandonStover. com. We're following the link inside the description of this episode.

[00:03:01] Alright, let's continue with the essay.

[00:03:03] Stage 1, Need Fulfillment. Our most basic level of relationship with another person is that of an acquaintance. You both enter into a relationship in order to fulfill a basic human need. This could range from financial transactions to purchase food, saying hello to a stranger to gain human connection, or having a one night stand to have sex.

[00:03:24] The relationship is serving its most fundamental purpose, fulfilling a basic need that requires two people to achieve. At this stage, purpose alignment is minimal and the only resources shared are those needed to fulfill the basic need.

[00:03:37] At this stage, those that practice monogamy will see this person as an acquaintance. If there's attraction, they may consider getting to know this person more, becoming friends, or moving to dating. If the person practices non monogamy, they are more likely to have other people at various stages. They most certainly can treat this person as an acquaintance.

[00:03:55] And moving them to friends or dating. However, if there is attraction, they are more likely to engage sexually with this person at an earlier stage because they have the freedom to do so. In both cases, attraction triggers a move to the next stage.

[00:04:08] That attraction is a combination of biological and psychological matches and identifying a match in values Signaling that purpose may be aligned.

[00:04:18] Stage 2 Mutual Benefit begin spending more time with another person beyond a one off encounter when we realize that doing so will bring us more benefit. We see that this person can be a consistent source of need fulfillment. As we spend more time with this person, we learn more about them and their direction in life.

[00:04:38] If it matches ours in some way, we're more likely to continue engaging with this person. We see that they will help develop us to fulfill our purpose. So alignment of purpose is beginning to occur.

[00:04:49] For the monogamous during the friends and dating process, the two people will see how much attraction exists and and whether goals for the future match with one another. If they do, it's more likely this relationship will move to a commitment of exclusivity to each other, denoting that they will share resources with each other.

[00:05:07] At this stage, the non monogamous are spending more time together, both sexually and platonically, which will divert resources away from other relationships they may have. If the direction in life is shared between the two individuals, They may wish to start diverting more resources to each other and making a larger commitment.

[00:05:24] In both cases, an identification of deep attraction, values, and life direction trigger the moving to the next stage, which tests whether or not this relationship is worth a larger commitment of resources.

[00:05:36] right. Stage three, the romantic trial period. through extended time spent with the other person. We've received signals to how aligned the other person is with our purpose, and if the relationship will help us to achieve our purpose. During the romance stage, we are testing whether we can, in fact, work together to achieve small outcomes we both want in life.

[00:05:57] Oftentimes, we are going on trips, mixing social circles, meeting families, doing small projects together, and possibly even living together. at this stage, we begin to see if purpose is truly aligned, because resources will either be flowing towards an aligned purpose in life, or it will feel like two people want to go in seemingly opposite directions.

[00:06:17] Both the monogamous and the non monogamous are considering this other person as more than just friends, and building a deeper relationship with him, akin to the boyfriend or girlfriend label. If the tests and life tasks being worked on by both people are going well, it will trigger a move to the next stage, where a sign of commitment is made to this other person.

[00:06:37] Which brings us to Stage 4, the Resource Trial Period.

[00:06:41] If purpose is aligned and the two people are working well together to achieve shared goals in the relationship, then it makes sense for them to signal to each other That they would like to continue the pursuit of purpose with each other and combine resources in order to do so. Often times this means living together, which is an increase in time and energy, and combining finances, an increase in resources.

[00:07:04] You are partners, working together to build something greater than the two of you.

[00:07:09] The commitment made by the monogamist is that of a marriage proposal. Turning them into fiancés. And proposing that life should be spent together, pursuing the same purpose. The commitment made by the non monogamous may be engagement, or it could just be treating the other person more as a partner, further diverting large amounts of time, energy, and resources into that relationship.

[00:07:29] The engagement period is essentially a second trial period with a stated commitment larger than the first trial period, but it still has that socially acceptable escape clause to drop the relationship. Should things continue to go well after combining resources, it will trigger the final stage where commitment is fully undertaken.

[00:07:47] Which brings us to Stage 5, Life Partners. At this stage, purpose is so closely aligned, it's as if the two people are essentially one. Because they are acting as a unit, Diverting all resources towards a shared course of action. However, small differences and polarity must be kept in order to keep the relationship effective and thriving. Nature exists with duality. A complete unification would result in collapse

[00:08:13] for the monogamous. Commitment is finalized with a marriage. For the non monogamous, commitment may be finalized by marriage, a spiritual union ceremony, or just a mutual acknowledgement that this person will be here for the remainder of their life.

[00:08:27] Now this commitment is a lofty ideal. In a perfect world, our purpose would remain the same for our entire life. And we would have thoroughly vetted that our partner is the best candidate to pursue this purpose with. Reality is, our purpose, and therefore our direction in life, may change.

[00:08:44] We may also have done a poor job at discovering each other's purpose, values, and what we care about in life. As a result, divorce and changing partners are the norm. There should not be shame in that it's a sign of development.

[00:08:58] You'll see I did not prescribe what these two people's purposes may be. For some, starting a family is their purpose.

[00:09:05] For others, it may be building a business or serving their community for the ambitious and maybe taking on a global challenge.

[00:09:12] what matters is that the more committed you want a relationship to be. For instance, aiming to be married one day, the more it would behoove you to understand yourself and your own purpose and find a partner that is completely aligned with that. Your odds of the relationship reaching that lofty ideal are far greater.

[00:09:32] So that's our essay today. A partner in life is a partner in pursuing purpose. And essentially what I'm saying. Is that the closer the relationship that you want to have, the more aligned you need to be in your purpose, almost as much as if it was just you pursuing your own purpose. but we know that getting into this relationship is going to bring two people together, which means you can get twice as much done.

[00:09:54] And if you guys are effective, you can probably get 10 times as much done in pursuing that purpose. Which is the reason you would get into the relationship. I'm not discounting love here and all the emotions that you're going to feel.

[00:10:06] However, you can feel love and emotions for many people. Even the people that practice strict monogamy are still going to have emotions come up when they encounter other people.

[00:10:16] However, if you're making a commitment to another person, especially as a life partner,

[00:10:21] you're committing that you're going to both pursue the same direction in life.

[00:10:24] My argument here is that the direction in life should be around your purpose. And if you're going to pursue the same purpose, well, it's going to be difficult to do that if you guys are diverting resources to two separate purposes.

[00:10:38] And these resources are your time, your energy, your financial resources, your social circles, your status, everything that you have that would help you to achieve your purpose,

[00:10:49] towards the end of this essay, it's basically saying that you should do your due diligence during the dating phase. I'm trying to understand that person as much as you can. What's their direction in life? What is their values? What is their personality like? Are you going to work well with this person in life, in the tasks that you're going to undertake?

[00:11:06] This is also the reason that those trial periods exist. It's why we have a dating phase. It's why we have an engagement phase. Where people are just fiancés, but they've not taken that full commitment yet. At each stage, there's a purpose to that stage being there. You're putting each other through trials to understand, okay, will we, in fact, be able to work together?

[00:11:25] Will we, in fact, be able to combine our resources and create something greater than ourselves? And are we going to enjoy each other as we do that? Each of those trial periods is seeing if you say yes to this, okay, go to the next stage towards that final commitment.

[00:11:40] If no's start to come up with that, well then you either need to keep them at that stage and enjoy the relationship for what it is at that stage, or you need to end the relationship and continue your search for the person that will be most aligned.

[00:11:54] Now the reality of life is that you're never going to find anybody that's 100% aligned. You're probably going to have a pretty difficult time finding somebody that's 80 and 90% aligned.

[00:12:04] However, you can increase your odds

[00:12:06] by doing that due diligence in the beginning.

[00:12:09] Now, I left out in this essay whether pursuing monogamy or pursuing non monogamy would be a better strategy for finding those people that are most aligned. In my own life, I've practiced both. I've been monogamous and Gone through all the stages towards a marriage. And now I practice non monogamy. And have partners at different stages.

[00:12:28] I'll say from experience, I was too young in my pursuit of a marriage to fully understand what my own values were and what my own purpose was. I didn't know myself well. And as a result, I was unable to... Fully see if the other person was going to be aligned with that. We had a wonderful marriage, and I'm so grateful for it.

[00:12:48] And it turned out we were pretty aligned. However, Some things change, Some values finally get uncovered and identified. And it turns out we weren't right for each other in order to pursue our purposes, which inevitably were different from one another.

[00:13:02] And that's okay.

[00:13:04] Now practicing non monogamy, I do believe that having more than one partner allows you to enjoy that person more at whatever stage they fall at. The people that I encounter, they may not be 100% aligned. In my purpose, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the connection at a, at a lower level of alignment. When you're practicing monogamy, that one person has to fulfill the entire alignment the entire way. that's quite a heavy burden. It also means you're going to spend more time and investment on that person going through the trial period.

[00:13:39] that person might not work out, you may feel regret for having gone through that trial period, depending on how the relationship was.

[00:13:47] Where if you're practicing non monogamy, you may have one person that is further along in the stages, and you're going through that trial period, seeing whether things will work out. and maybe you have another person at a different stage. So if the person that you were building a relationship with that's at a later stage doesn't work out, you don't feel as much as a regret of putting resource, time, energy and resources into that other person.

[00:14:11] Because you've already started building something here with a different person.

[00:14:15] Morally, we could discuss whether monogamy or non monogamy is more right than one or the other, but that's not the point of this essay.

[00:14:22] the point of this essay is no matter which one you're practicing, you should be entering into those relationships with intention, as being honest of what your values are. And trying to discover what the other person says.

[00:14:34] And then honoring that relationship for how much alignment or misalignment it may have. And taking the correct decisions and actions because of that.

[00:14:43] Although a smaller portion of this essay, I I think one more important point I'd like to make. Is this idea of finding somebody that may be a closer match in values, but may differ more on personality. Finding personality traits that complement one another and finding values that are similar.

[00:15:01] Because if you're pursuing purpose, you're pursuing a large action that you would like to make in the world.

[00:15:07] And you're trying to do more work than you can do just by yourself. It would probably be easier to just clone yourself. You would never argue with that person, or maybe you would depending on your personality. But you could essentially clone yourself and do double the work.

[00:15:20] And that clone would have the same values as you, so you have somebody that's completely aligned working towards the same thing. They can work while you sleep, and you could work while they sleep.

[00:15:30] however, when you have somebody that's different than you on a few different dimensions, particularly in personality, you can get traits that compliment one another and lean into the natural duality of life.

[00:15:41] Nature is ever changing, which means it's presenting different problems all the time.

[00:15:46] And the solutions to those problems are going to change as well. So that means a set of personality traits, the way that somebody is made up, may be a better solution to one context in time. And a different set of personality traits, and a way a person is made up, may be a better solution in a different context in time.

[00:16:04] So, especially on personality traits that have this spectrum or poles of duality, for instance, introversion and extroversion. At one point in time, the introvert may be a better solution, and at another point in time, the extrovert may be a better solution. Neither of them are right or wrong. It depends on the context.

[00:16:23] So in a relationship, if you have one person that's introverted and one that's extroverted, you're more likely to have more solutions over a greater period of time. You can push back on one another, moving the solution that you're trying to provide in the pursuit of your purpose to what's most appropriate in that context, in that time period.

[00:16:43] And because one person is introverted and one person is extroverted, each of those people are going to have better insights into when their solution is going to be more applicable to that context.

[00:16:53] That's from the practical standpoint. From the romantic and emotional standpoint, polarity is what's going to keep things spicy.

[00:17:01] What often happens in long term relationships is the more time that you spend together, the closer and closer and closer you get towards being the same person.

[00:17:09] However, being the same person is not very exciting. It doesn't bring any diamondism to the relationship. And so effort must be put in, in order to keep that polarity, in order to keep those differences and even small differences will allow that polarity to stay in the relationship. I highly recommend the work of Esther Perel and her book, Mating in Captivity, to get a good primer about the importance of polarity in a relationship.

[00:17:34] and when you're searching out a partner, the more that those personality traits are different, the more polarity you're going to have. So you need to have a balance between these differences in your partner and the polarity in the relationship

[00:17:46] and sharing values and a vision for where you're going.

[00:17:51] So that's our essay today. If you enjoyed, please share it with someone else.

[00:17:55] And as always, thank you for listening.